just.J

Is it time to let go?

2012-03-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

And yeah. I'm back here again.

All lost. This week has been really empty.

Not in a way that you think, but i lost motivation to continue in things i have started out.

But i haven been receiving a lot of love from everybody around me after they knew about my situation.

But hey, I jolly well know I'm only running and hiding.

How long can i exactly do that.

It hurts to see you even that i don't even dare to face you any longer.

So is this really the end of us?

This whole week i haven;t been thinking well and much but i'm getting really tired.

My dearest ah kim has already embarked on her journey to salvage this marriage, but me?

Still in some space that i feel so lost.

Really really wondering what will happen to me.

Will i lose you this time, for real?

You see, i never had the courage to speak up but now.

I guess i have to let it go.

It's been really nice having you and my family together. I sincerely hope you will build a home of your own.

Your perfect wife-to-be and family to come will be something you create and uphold.

I hope you take care of yourself too because your habits will take a toll on you if you continue!

You wouldn't want to see your children live without a Daddy right? I'm sure you don't.

I'll be moving on, but you have to ok?

I think you'll do just fine without me because you're a strong person who loves deeply.

Worthy or not of your love, I'm not one to say.

But i guess, my time spent with you taught me a lot of things that i can never acquire from anywhere.

We had our ups and downs but hey, it made us grow into each other isn't it?

I know it'll be hard for you too, but I'm guessing we'll never meet or see each other again because you are those sort right.

However, i won't go anywhere.

Because whenever you need help, i'll still be here to lend you those listening ears and teaching you God's words if i have the chance to. It may be slim, but i'll keep hoping.

Just want to say sorry to your family for not being able to be a part of your family.

Make it whole with all your love and let it flourish once again in the hands of the Maker, The Heavenly Father.

Abide in him as He abide in you.

Once again, it's really nice to meet you and share all those joyful moments with you!

You've been a really sweet guy but i guess we were not meant to be.

I loved you for who you are and i hope you did too!

You'll always be that angel in my heart :)

And sincerely, for the very last time.

I LOVE YOU JEFFREY TOONG <3

Goodbye my precious one.

Gambling? Not my cup of tea.

2012-01-07T05:11:00.000-08:00

Hey honey.
I'm back here again. I'm only here because i don't know how to solve this.
I'm always here only because i can't seem to figure out what to do.
Hmmm,, many things happened this week and it always falls back to neglecting your presence and importance.
What I want to say that i never meant to neglect you. I also hope i can strike a balance between you and my family. But sometimes i move towards the other side i think because of familiarity? Oh and if i'm too close to you my mummy always scold me. Always tell me to behave myself. Lame as it is, i hope they'll open up to you more. Mmm, whatever you saw in the notes right, it's just something that i want to say at that time. But i don't feel that way anymore. Okay, i feel so lost without you. i know i should have known better then to leave you. But i didn't skip my sl for nothing right? I wanted to meet you for dinner but you seemed like you didn't want to see me anymore. I asked i meant, but you seemed quite reluctant and its because of me. So yeah, really sorry. But this week wasn't spent properly, we totally wasted everyday quarreling with each other. the only week we had. well, i hope i don't have to waste another. Forgive me once again k? I'll make it worth your forgiveness :( thank you for being mine :)

One of those days where you don't get what you want

2011-11-15T09:15:00.000-08:00

Heyyyyy. It's been long since i dropped by here. Well, it WAS supposed to be a daily basis thingy thill we patch up but, ohwells :p
So life went on smoothly till my promo results came out.
YOU TOTALLY PROMOTED :))) CONGRATULATIONS.
but the sad thing is, i didn;t make it.
I don't know why this must happen to me.
But like, i know everything happens for a reason? So yeah. RETESTING :/

But all i know, i will do my best for it. I think i can do it with you.
Honestly, i don't trust myself in the least bit. But i trust you!
So if it gets out of hand you must control and stop me k? Or i'll ust fall backwards.
You're seriously the only reason why i choose to redo everything. Well, my parents also play a role but i guess they don't make much of a difference in my school life.
What would i do without you?!
So i must study hard, and WILL STUDY HARD because of you guys :)

We had a longggggg talk today.
Hope you poured everything pout like you wanted to? and really hope that is what byou really meant from the bottom of your heart. Because i can only see your true self if you choose to show it to me k?
And i know i always disappoint you, and admitting i may still disappoint you, i really hope i will learn.
But it's easier siad than done. And the time span you spare me is so little.
My dad says, 'slow and steady'- i believe so too. so maybe we should go slow?
hmmmm, and dont worry about them! They'll be just fine.
HELP ME KKKKK? i seriously need all the help i can get :0

THANK YOU SO MUCH for tolerating my nosnese. for appreciating me and also, doing every lil' bit for me.
BIG AND SMALL, i owe it al to you :)
so i hope i can be your source of motivation and hope too.
Sorry i didn't make it, but we must try our best now!!!

Dozing of alreaddy! GOODNIGHT :))

DAY 5- SOMETHING'S CHANGED :)

2011-11-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

WELL EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED ACTUALLY.
Hmm, we are already talking. And it hasn't even been a month! Not even a week my dear!
But i was still wondering whether i can even last for 1 month. Phew~
Thanks for saving me. You can actually see what i was going through right :(
Its over anyway, just glad everything is fine now.

Although it's only for now, i know somehow it's too good to br true.
But i learn. Because good things don't last, but after every rain, there will be sunshine right?
HEH. So have i grown up? :p
NAH, i think i have not actually. But i'm learning.
And i really want to learn, but i hope i'm going the right way.

I know today i never really appreciate you. Cause i was preoccupied with my friends!
And so we made sushi! :)
I know you want it too, but next time we m ake together k?
Nicer nicer! Because if i give you tomorrow, sure become rock :p
Then we had quite a lot of fun.
But not those super super fun one.
Guess i have more fun with you :)

So tomorrow i got training! But hope i can do some stuff tomorrow!
And tomorrow have presentation :/
But don't need to go school early la! Maybe i will make pancakes and eat! :)
kk, cannot! Must slim down :p
I have not bathed though :( Lazyyyyy.

And HOW CAN YOU EAT SO MUCH AND SLEEP?!?!?!
HOW MANY TIMES I SAY YOU CAN'T DO THAT ALREADY.
NAGGY THEN LISTEN OKAY.
Will worry one eh :((
I WILL SERIOUSLY IGNORE YOU OKAY.
LIKE SERIOUSLY.
Yeah right ://
How could i bear to.
LISTEN TO ME K??? PLEASEEEEEEEEE.
HAIYAA.

Okay, so now i hope it can stay this way.
I really wanted to see you today!
As in felt the urge, but must resist.
But i miss you too k! :p
Hopefully you do too! :)
Now i feel much more lively and happier. Or can i say, blessed :)
Thanks for lvoing me too. <33

kkk, time to watch tv! X-FACTOR!!!
TATATATA~

DAY 4- Hmmm, Nothing much changed.

2011-11-02T08:50:00.000-07:00

Today was equally horrible.
It just doesn't feel right without you.

Hmmm, but the whole day was fine.
Went to school late but made it in time. Totally panicking over my oral presentation. :/
Then just slacked the whole day and went for training.
Training wasn't fun, it was something more like occupying? Erm, like takes my mind of stuffs.
Then we just plaed and trained and as usual. I headed home.
but the journey home was what really hit me.
Urgh. Seriously feelit mans. I don't know, just don;t feel very good.
But i knid of occupied my whole week with stuff so yeah. Or else, i'll just go crazy sitting nowhere doing nothing.

Well, tomorrow calls for a celebration!!
Yan ting, Shirley, Hui Xian and Hui Fang is going to come my house and MAKE SUSHI. YAYY :))
Cause i kind of neglected them in the long run. So, here is kind of payback time :p
But like, we decided to celebrate shirley's b'day together too! A REALLY EARLY ONE :)
Hope it'll be fun for all of us! Taking pictires as memoir also!

Oh and yesterday i actually saw the polaroid and soooooo wanted to buy it.
But it's so expensive and mummy's going to kill me if she ever finds out.
Always complain i spend so much money, but i know cause she just wants me to save for rainy days.
OHWELLS. but those stuff were super cool! Can keep pictures as memories. Just blabbering :p

So how is today again?
Lived it well? Or not?
Hope you are having a good time with your PW mates and your CLass friends. Especially that 2 cheeky ones :p
Mmmmm, you just texted me. But i don't really expect anything. But this long distance thing is hardship.
One of the 'Hardest" ship i ever sailed. Okayy, i"m starting to be lame.
Hmm, i wonder what i should reply. You'll find out>

But just so you know, i"ve seriously been thinking of you wherever i go.
Can't really get you out so i don;t konw...
You too?? Maybei could make your life better by avoiding and hiding at one corner. Or at least getting out of our head? But will it really help?
GOSH. THIS IS INSANE.
kkk, the post should end here.
Outpour of misery and lost hope only.
Geez.

So i'll see you soon?
I mean it's only day 4.
And i still have 24 more to go.
Just great.
I WILL SURVIVE! :))

Till we meet again.

Day 3- Feels SO LONG

2011-11-01T06:47:00.000-07:00

It feels even longer today. Exhausted. Feels so empty too.
Mmmm, i just watched 2 movies with Nelle.
1. Real Steel
2. In Time
VERY NICE. But it only keeps me occupied for a while.
Feels like i slacked a lot and it's stressing!
PW and results also coming out already. Ok, maybe i'm just trying to occupy my mind with thoughts.
But, IT SERIOUSLY FEELS SO LONG. And guess what, its only day 3. Boohoo :(

BUT, how are you again today?
Oh i forgot to tell you, i missd school today because i didn't wake up on time!
Supposed to go to school myself, but couldn't wake up. OOPS!
You didn't have training today right? Mmm, so i wonder what you did.
Hmm, seriously don't know what you'll do when you're not with me.
Sleep? Noooo. Cook? Douut so.
HEE, anyway. The movie was quite nice! i know i was supposed to watch In Time with you, but my sis reallly wanted to watch it. Sorry :p
Oh Oh! You know the cookies is nice! But i have a lot then don't know who to give to.

AHHHH. Not sure what to write already. I'll be livelier tomorrow okay?
SORRY :/

BYEBYE~

Day 2-Well Life Goes On.

2011-10-31T09:06:00.000-07:00

PHEW. I MADE IT!
Lucky I'm just in time before midnight. I'm exhausted.
Spend the whole day teaching Nelle cause tomorrow is her Science exam.Actually didn't really teac, just sat beside her and guide her. Hope it helps! *cross fingers.

Anyway, today was the MOTHE TONGUE A LEVELS :O
It wasn't that bad. But i must admit the back questions were a little tough. Didn't resally konw what i was writing.
But OHWELLS.
After that, i went to Astons@amk with my classmates. Namely shirley, yt, hx,hf and some of the guys.
Sat sepearte tables though. Watched them eat while i space out? HEH. I WAS GOING HOME OKAYY.
At least i thought i was.
Then after which, i contemaplated whether to go back for PW. Because my group decided to all leave for home. HOW GREAT. and so, my daddy asked me to go home and teach Nelle also, so i went. (but my teacher got super pissed at m group as a result. OOPS)
So i came home, got caught in the rain a little, but i won't really fall sick. So i guess it's okay :)
The minute i reached home, NELLE IS SLACKING. GOSH. so i kickstart her by asking her to make notes for her exam. Then i used the computer! Halfway, i decided i should bake! (as usual actuallly)

So i came up with the recipe, "FOUR C- Chocolate Chip Cornflake Cookie"- it's from the internet actually :p
I started at 8pm and of course, i ended late. But i made it in time for the posting, so YAY ME :)
My hands are so rough from all the washing and mopping of floors. TIRED MAX.

HERE ARE SOME OF THE STUFF WE BAKED :))

First batch

That's how you place it dear.

ME? :p

NICE RIGHT. DON'T DENY.

BOTH OF US :))

SHE TOOK THIS.

This is Nelle handi-work!

This is how much i made :)

So how is Life for you hmm??
PW is stressing huh.
And if you're wondering, OF COURSE I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU.
Practically the whole day! Even when i was taking the MT papers :/
So how about you?? :)
Miss me? Well, i did!

Anyway, it's getting late.
I'll go take a shower first okayy?? :p
See you soon :)

CHEF ONG. MUAHAHAHA :D

DAY 1- The start of a journey without J

2011-10-30T06:12:00.000-07:00

And so the journey begins.
Well, today has been a long long day i must say. we talked and didn't really sort it out. so i asked for a period of stay off. and you say, "let me give you a month's time".
I was like, "HUH A MONTH". (although i kind of expected it)
Thinking about it makes me feel sick. I don't really know how am I going to survive this month without you. but i guess this is what i meant i must learn it the hard way.
But throughout this one month, i really want to see myself mature. If its not for me, for you at least. I haven't been able to do anything of significance for you. So i hope this change would bring some peace to you.
Still, i feel utmost insecure right now. Like when you're with me, i know you will never go away from me. But now i have let you go, there so much out there that is going to pull you away.
Good or bad, time will tell. I just hope at the end of all this, we'll come to realize our importance to each other. A REAL TEST.
Well, for me at least. Because i never lost to see the true pain of having to lose, but i hope this will really teach me a lesson.
So many months have passed and we have gone through so much. The first of everything. And now, we're approaching our third, but sadly, we can't spend it together. But i hope this sacrifice meant there will be many more to come and not the last one to pass.
The journey has not even started and I'm thinking how am I going to actually survive! Goodness. Memories of us flash past and i can only see your pictures to see you. So pathetic, but then again. This is what i asked for.
I keep thinking and thinking. What must i do exactly to change. To be honest, i haven't come to a conclusion. But i believe i will soon.

I have come up with a list of what i want to do. I hope to fulfill it by the time we reconcile again. In the meantime, don't forget me k? Think of me when you have time, because i will too! I know how much this hurts you, but hang on k? Sorry to hurt you in this process, but i really hope this will not be in vain.
I pray you see my sincerity in it and i believe God will be with us, individually through this process. Hard as it may be, i see a fruitful outcome. But i think as young as i may be, i may not know a lot of things, but i should not use it as an excuse to shun away from my mistakes.
So much i want to say, so let me say it day by day. But what i want to say now is,

You showed me love know no boundaries. Now, its my turn. :)

DEDICATED TO JEFFREY TOONG.
Hey. You know who here :)
Mmmm, i hope you're doing fine? There so much i want to say. But i don't really know how to say it. But all i know is i feel remorse for what I've done. I really do. This time its really me. But i guess we have to learn huh? Although i hoped we didn't have to come to this stage, here we are. Back to the start.
But being with you has always been a joy to me. Good times and bad times. We cried many times, but we smiled our way through always too. 'Life's a journey' right? But being with you taught me a lot. you taught me how to love, to give and to forgive. To open up and to be honest. To be real. But most of all, to cherish my family as it is.
I know you've been through a lot and losing someone you really love makes you regret not treasuring enough. But it's not too late to show love, and that's why you are showing love to your family. Sometimes, you say a lot to me, but i don't really know how to help you. All i can really do is to lend you a listening ear. I don't know why you must go through this at such a young age but i believe there's a reason for everything. you may or may never know the reason why, but i ask that you press on. For your family and yourself. The stress you explain to me is so overwhelming that i can only tear when i see you tear. Not solely because i sympathize with you, but because i knew if i were you. I wouldn't want to go on. And that's why i admire you. So i hope you can continue to be my pillar of hope for life's obstacles because i know i haven't experienced the worst.
But i have gone through a lot too, don't you think? I've grown to be more like you i guess. I feel i teared a lot this two weeks till my eyes are puffy and all. Sometimes i feel I'm not known to you, that i take in a lot. But i don't want to compare with what you go through. Now i know blaming you won't work. Because blaming you, blames me in the end as you do what you do because of me. And then, the cycle repeats itself. But hey, who said this is wrong or right.
But bottom line of this message is to say, how much i treasure you. Maybe you want me to see you as a boyfriend. But i think that is just a status that all humans chase. I mean who won't want to be a someone. But i acknowledge that because pride right. But to me, you're more of a feeling. One that i want to hold on, hoping it will never fade. Well, because it brings me happiness. But i don't want to deny you, because well. You ARE MY BOY right? So let's see how this goes and I'm hoping against hope to see you at the end of this Journey k?
Last but not least, i want to say THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. Being there, accepting me, tolerating me and Loving me. Hope i haven't cause too much hurt for you to leave me. Stay strong for me OK? I'll come back for you :)
P.S: All The Best for MT A'LVLS!

LOVE,
BABY ONG :)